Invisible Bruises

Invisible Bruises

You swing me side to side
With your hot air,
Pushing me around
Without ever touching me.
I wonder why there are not
Bruises everywhere your words
Made me turn myself upside down
And inside out.
You taught my ears how to bleed
Until hearing and listening
Meant different things,
And all the while tossing me
Aside in the wake of your disaster.
People told me that I was
Imagining voices in my head
And you never said what
I said you had.
I had no exterior bruises
To show the damage done
To my insides.
My body was fraying at the edges,
Ripping in the middle,
Where my heart used to be.
I wish I could show them
The holes in my liver
Where I held all your
Broken promises
And hoped they’d disappear
Into the cracks
Of all of my insecurities.
You never touched me
But your words left their mark,
Wounds welling deep beneath
The surface,
Invisible at first,
Until I unfurled into a giant
Mess of torn threads
And you weren’t there
To put me back together,
Just pushing me with
All that hot air and bad intentions,
Watching me shift
To appease you,
As inconstant as the wind.
But you couldn’t sew me back
To the way I once was
When you noticed I was
Damaged and used,
Because words can’t always heal
What they tear apart.

-Seraphine the poet


some nice things my therapist wrote down for me that i think everyone needs to be reminded of at times

To the guy who told me that my feelings were my problem. Here’s a great big screw you, asshole!

(via typicaltitus)

One-Liners!!

One Liners:

Lies:
If you smoked as much as you lied, you’d be the sole cause of global warming.

Hammock:
You swing me side to side
With your hot air,
Pushing me around
Without ever touching me.
I wonder why there are not
Bruises everywhere your words
Made me turn myself upside down.

Tool:
You told me that the knife
You stabbed me in the back with
Was just a tool to make sure
I could never forget
What a weapon a sharp tongue
Could be.

-Seraphine

Eat Your Words

Eat Your Words

What do I know about hunger?

Take one look at me and see

The pounds piling up.

See the flesh stretching and tearing

As I expand.

What do I know about being beautiful?

Especially when beauty means thin

And thin means the opposite of fat,

And fat means me.

I don’t know much about fitting into

Small clothing.

I’ve been spilling out of bras and jeans

Since I was young.

I do know what it felt like to feel

Out of place in a clothing store.

I do know what it felt like to skip

Every meal for two weeks

Just to lose twelve pounds.

I do know what it felt like to go to the gym

For two hours a day,

Every freaking day,

And see no difference.

I know how my legs wobble when

I try to take the stairs,

And how I’m out of breath

Climbing a hill.

In the eighth grade,

I vomited at the smell of food

Because I wanted to be skinny,

And by skinny, I mean pretty,

And by pretty, I mean wanting to fit in.

Fit into the clothes that the popular girls wore.

Fit into the group of popular girls.

I wanted to squeeze myself until

I was beautiful.

Since the eighth grade, I’ve grown

From a size 4 to a size 14.

I’ve grown from a C cup

To a DDD.

I wanted to be beautiful,

So I starved myself.

I was told that starving wouldn’t make me pretty.

I’d always be the fat girl.

I’d always look at a bag of chips

And give in.

My cravings would always control

My body.

My doctor says I need to do better.

I wish I could shrink myself down

Into bite size pieces,

But maybe I’m not meant to be easy

To swallow.

Maybe bits of me should get stuck

In your head.

I don’t want to be a salad, cut and dry.

I want to be juicy, a steak,

Starving only for attention,

But never for affection.

I want to be worth every chew.

What do I know about hunger?

Nothing, but I want to end it

By telling all those who said

I was not beautiful

To eat their words. 

-Seraphine 

Burning Houses and Car Crashes

Burning Houses and Car Crashes

I wish I had the courage to kiss you.
I know I shouldn’t do it.
I know I won’t do it.
But I think about it often enough.
I imagine scenarios where
You’re stuck in a burning house
And I arrive and pull you out
And as the world is falling around us,
We make out.
Or,
I’m trapped under a car and
All I see is your face and
You’re pulling me out
With your superhuman strength,
And we make out.
I wish I could kiss you
Without needing a crisis.
Without having to justify my actions.
I imagine the adrenaline rush
Of you pulling me close
And biting my tongue
And nibbling at my lower lip.
I get chills thinking about it.
But, you have a girlfriend
And I have no boyfriend,
And my ex really sucked at kissing.
So I fantasize about us.
Awkward, age gap, daddy issues,
Needs extenuating circumstances
To get you to kiss me.
Maybe I imagined the fire
Because it’s the hottest.
Maybe I imagined the car wreck
Because it’s the closest to a near-death
Experience I’ve gotten.
Maybe I think of you when I’m lonely
Because you’re the only one
Who tells me you love me,
As a friend,
But hides my messages from your girlfriend.
I imagine you,
Drinking your way through the whiskey,
Not noticing when you finish,
Because I’ve been sober and sex free
For two years
And never once did you ask me
If my adrenaline rushes conflicted
With my need for sobriety.
And you’re every temptation I can handle
Bottled up into a single look.
God, some days I want to give in,
Let the houses burn and the cars crash,
Let the world fall apart
Just to know that you love me.

-Seraphine

Photogenic

Beauty is an idea
I am unfamiliar with.
Photogenic, poised,
Dolled up in makeup
And sun kissed flesh.
You wonder why I don’t
Sleep with you when
The lights are on.
I don’t want you to see
Every line on my body
Twisting its way around
My stomach, thighs, and arms.
I don’t want you to see
Where I cut into my flesh
With a butterfly knife.
You won’t understand
That beauty is found in rainbows
And I’m more gray and red
Than I am pink or green.
Pale flesh blossoming with
Dead poppies.
I could never be sun kissed,
Even if I wanted to
Because the sun won’t kiss
What your lips don’t know.
Your lips cannot see the journey
Or the struggle.
They only see me naked, sort of.
A silhouette, in the moonlight.
Masked by the past,
I was never beautiful
And you were never honest.
We told lies in the darkness,
Drank secrets that tasted like
Bloody, bitten tongues,
Foreshadowing our ugly romance.

-Seraphine  

Photogenic

Beauty is an idea

I am unfamiliar with.

Photogenic, poised,

Dolled up in makeup

And sun kissed flesh.

You wonder why I don’t

Sleep with you when

The lights are on.

I don’t want you to see

Every line on my body

Twisting its way around

My stomach, thighs, and arms.

I don’t want you to see

Where I cut into my flesh

With a butterfly knife.

You won’t understand

That beauty is found in rainbows

And I’m more gray and red

Than I am pink or green.

Pale flesh blossoming with

Dead poppies.

I could never be sun kissed,

Even if I wanted to

Because the sun won’t kiss

What your lips don’t know.

Your lips cannot see the journey

Or the struggle.

They only see me naked, sort of.

A silhouette, in the moonlight.

Masked by the past,

I was never beautiful

And you were never honest.

We told lies in the darkness,

Drank secrets that tasted like

Bloody, bitten tongues,

Foreshadowing our ugly romance.

-Seraphine  

Holey

Holey

I wish I had a bigger

Hole in my pocket,

Then I could put everything

I wanted to lose inside.

I’d keep it big and wide

And obvious.

I would put change

In my pocket,

Watch as it disappeared

Onto some forgotten sidewalk.

It should be much easier

To forget what you did.

But I cannot extract every memory

Of you from my heart

And place it in my pocket.

I tell people I can’t afford

Anything less tattered or worn.

Secondhand clothing

To make my outside match

My bruised insides.

I can only hope that one day

I’ll meet someone with thread

Who can stitch up my holey pocket

And my holy heart so they can

Be whole

And match again.

-Seraphine 

Lightweight

Lightweight

You said I understand your darkness,

Whatever the hell that means.

You said you know I care

Because I answer the phone

At 3 am

When you’re shitfaced and

Seeing that fuzzy white light

At the end of your tunnel vision.

You said I am your friend,

But only when you don’t remember

Me the next morning.

Only when I feel like a broken record,

Only when I tell you I love you

And you don’t say it back.

I understand your darkness

Because I was born at night.

I know what it feels like

To howl at the full moon

And I’ve always fallen for

The crescent shape of

Your neck sloping to

Your collarbone.

I’ve always fallen

Like sunlight over the horizon

For your moonshine.

But I cannot shine

Bright enough

To reflect the stars

You see dancing in front of you

When you drink.

I understand darkness

Because I was born into it.

But I’m too much of a lightweight

To follow you into the black out. 

-Seraphine 

Drop-Off/Pick-Up

Drop Off/Pick Up

You dropped me off in the parking lot.

Watched me walk away,

You didn’t see me hide in the shadows,

You didn’t see his car pulling up.

You didn’t know he was there

To make a woman out of me.

You never knew his name

Or his eye color

Or that his middle name was Philip.

You just dropped me off

In the parking lot,

Kissed me,

And left.

How could you possibly know

That he was taking every bit of me

And breaking it down.

He was taking me apart

Like a computer,

Dissecting my daddy issues

And inserting himself in your place.

He was the first man

Who said “I love you,”

And it took me seven months

To believe it.

But you wouldn’t know that

From the drop off lane

In a parking lot.

You would just keep driving

And he would keep

Pulling up and telling me

It was safe to crawl inside.  

-Seraphine 

Forest of Red Leaves

Forest of Red Leaves

I want to be a redwood tree,

Carved into with promises

Of who I could be.

I want my roots to reach out

And find yours,

Have them intermingle

Like holding hands for

The first time.

I want us to keep each other

Standing upright

And not falling face first

Into the dirt.

I want to see myself in all of you.

Dissect my rings and see

How often I tried to drown myself

This year.

Or if I was being cut down

In the name of someone else’s progress.

I wish I was a thousand trees

All standing together

In a forest of red leaves,

And I wasn’t alone

Watching the red drip down

Like blood puddling around

My knees. 

-Seraphine