I have struggled with depression throughout my life, from middle school onwards. I have struggled with being a perfectionist, and I have pushed a lot of people away. Sometimes it is hard to accept love from others when you cannot accept love from yourself. This made me very very lonely for a very long time.
However, over the past two years, I feel myself growing out of the pain and trauma that occurred in high school. I moved away from the town that created me and made me who I am. I went to college. My college is the first place I fully realized the worth of women as more than just part of a man. I had always been told to stay silent. To be obedient. To not question. I was told to fill the social norm of what a woman is. Being here is different. Being here prepared me for more than that.
For the first time in my life, I’m regaining confidence. I’m not looking back. I’m looking forward and loving it. Small joys in my life seem like huge accomplishments. For the first time in seven years, I left my knife at home. No self-harm. No self-destructive habits. For the first time in three years, I stopped dreaming about my ex. I stopped thinking he’d be better off with me. For the first time in a year and a half, I was able to write a poem about my journey into poetry without mentioning the guy who caused me so much grief. I’ve forgiven all of it.
I am not in contact with many people from back home. And of the few I remain in contact with, none of them are men. I cannot seem to get them to understand that I am more than my vagina. I am more than a sex toy. I am more than my insecurities.
I’m not saying I’m 100% better now. I am just saying I’m doing better. I’m healing. Every poem I write helps me heal. That’s why I write so much. It’s not because I think I am hot shit. It’s because my heart needs to heal. I still have bad days. I have even worse nights. Depression is and always will be a part of my life. But, what a difference it makes having friends who care, being in a positive environment, drama-free, and beautiful. I feel so blessed to be here, to be alive, to be able to speak my mind and share my poetry.
For the first time, I am not scared to walk onto a stage and slam. I am not afraid of being judged or hated or threatened. If, somehow, the people who caused those feelings for me, are reading this, I am grateful for the opportunity to overcome. It makes me stronger. Thank you for teaching me how to grow, like branches sprouting from a tree trunk, chopped down by the ax of your words. I am being reborn.
Thank you for listening. And god bless all of you.
Seraphine the Poet. <3